Before the Present to the Past is Lost
by BuffyAnne
Summary: She doesn't know how she ends up in front of his door. She's been going through everything in her head and trying to make sense of it all. She's played out every scenario and every single one of them could be better with him. Set summer after graduation.


**Title:** _Before the Present to the Past is Lost_  
><strong>Rating:<strong> NC-17  
><strong>PairingsCharacters:** Will/Rachel  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 3,116  
><strong>Spoilers:<strong> Follows canon through The Spanish Teacher, uses speculation/potential spoilers for upcoming episodes. Also, I've not yet seen anything after the Christmas episode, so I'm basing some of the things in this on what I've read.  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> All things _Glee_ belong to Ryan Murphy and Fox. I'm just borrowing them. The title is taken from the song Before the Sun by Shannon Curtis  
><strong>Summary:<strong> _She doesn't know how she ends up in front of his door. She's been going through everything in her head and trying to make sense of it all. She's played out every scenario and every single one of them could be better with him. _Set the summer after graduation.

**A/N: **Written for the Porn Battle to fill the following prompts: _comfort, need, graduation, leave, wish, future, New York, NYADA, adultery_.

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><p>She doesn't know how she ends up in front of his door. She's been going through everything in her head and trying to make sense of it all. She's played out every scenario and every single one of them could be better with him. She knows that it can't happen and it shouldn't. She may no longer be his student and have graduated from high school but there are still many reasons for her not to do this. She's married to Finn. And he's engaged to Miss Pillsbury, though last she heard they decided to take a break, both suddenly afraid that they were rushing into marriage. She wishes Will had convinced her that she was rushing into things with Finn but he never did.<p>

She takes a deep breath and almost chickens out but knocks before she can. It doesn't take him long to open the door. The surprise on his face is evident. "Rachel?" he says, moving aside. "Is everything okay? I didn't expect to see you before you left for New York."

"What can I say? I couldn't stay away," she jokes with a false bravado as she enters his apartment. She quietly looks around his apartment but she's panicking on the inside about it all and is doing everything she can't not to break down.

"Rach?" Will says quietly behind her. "Are you okay? Is everything with Finn okay?"

At the mention of Finn's name, the tears start to fall and she squeezes her eyes shut tightly. She feels him moving around her though and knows that he's now in front of her. That feeling is confirmed when his hands are on her upper arms, gripping gently. "Rachel? What happened?"

Shaking her head, she opens her eyes and looks into his concerned ones. "Nothing happened," she cries out, all the fear and insecurity she's been feelings coming to the surface.

She can tell he's at a loss and she thinks that maybe she shouldn't have come here but there was nowhere else for her to go. Everything was bringing her here; she couldn't get him off her mind. "I'm sorry," she says softly, moving from his arms and sitting down on the edge of his couch, her legs bouncing as she fidgets nervously. She needs him to understand somehow. She's grateful when he does.

"Are you having second thoughts about everything?" he asks as he sits next to her. She nods slightly, afraid to look at him. He has a special relationship with Finn, one that she has always wanted. She thought they had that but the past year made her question if it was all just in her mind. Maybe that was why he hasn't tried to talk to her about the engagement and marriage. She thinks if he had that special relationship with her and not Finn that he would have stopped her from making this mistake. "Rach?"

"I'm so scared," she tells him finally. "I—I don't think I can go to New York and be on my own. I used to think I would take the city by storm and, even though I will have Kurt there with me, it's not the same. I don't think I can do it alone but I don't think I can do it with Finn either. I don't think I want to." She looks down at her hands, at the rings on her finger. "I've made a mistake and I don't know how to fix it."

He's silent for a long time and she can't look at him. She's afraid he's disappointed or angry because she's going to hurt Finn. When he speaks his voice is soft and kind, and it surprises her. "I think that's the right decision, Rachel. I think you and Finn are too young for this commitment and I think you both want different things. I've been afraid that you would give up your dreams."

She looks up at him then with wide eyes. His reflect kindness. He's not upset with her and she thinks he understands. After all, he married his high school sweetheart too.

"Why didn't you say anything?" she asks him. She's not accusing him. She made this decision not him, but Rachel thinks as sure as she was that she wanted this, she would have listened if he spoke up.

"It wasn't my place," he responds, simply.

"That hasn't stopped you in the past," she retorts.

"No and maybe I should have said something. You both seemed happy. I didn't want to get in the way of that, considering…" he trails off.

"Considering?" she asks, though she knows what he is about to say. It gives her a little hope. If he is still thinking about this maybe all of her thoughts the past few weeks weren't for nothing.

"Considering the things we've said to each other in the past, the feelings we've discussed. I figured anything I said, you would think it was because I was jealous or something. I wasn't impartial and I didn't want to upset you or make you think that there was hope for us," he says bluntly. She doesn't know what she should think. She had gotten use to the idea that nothing would ever happen for them. She has tried to move past the need and the want, and she really thought she had with Finn. She was wrong though because she's on Will's couch and all she wants is for him to tell her there is chance for them.

"I guess that's fair. You know, I've been thinking about everything and how the different scenarios would turn out." She's always found it very easy to talk to him. He's watching her carefully and she can tell he's interested. That makes her feel better. "I think every time that there is only one person that I want there with me. And I really can't come up with a logical reason why you can't be."

"Rachel, we've talked about this." He sounds tired as he runs a hand through his hair. She can tell he's a bit frustrated. She understands. She's brought this up many times. She just can't understand why he's so willing to forget the feelings he's admitted to.

"I know. We've talked about it 20 times, and you're engaged and I'm married, but you are what I want. I don't think I can make it in New York without you."

"You don't need me. You don't need any guy. You're strong enough to go to New York and NYADA on your own. You used to be so independent, Rachel. Maybe that is what you need right now. And besides … As you said, I'm engaged to Emma now, Rachel," he says firmly, but she can hear the emotion in his voice and she knows that he still cares about her, maybe even still loves her. But his words aren't having the desired effect.

"I don't think I can Will," she says, the tears starting to fall again. "I can be a star in Ohio, but I went to NYADA for the final audition and I saw the other prospective students there. I can't compete with some of them. They are so much better and have already done so much more. I don't know how I can do any more than I already do. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough." She puts her head in her hands as she continues to cry. She doesn't know when she lost all the confidence she used to have. She thinks seeing Harmony at the beginning of the school year and then thinking she didn't get a letter from NYADA made her realize that there are thousands of girls like her.

She doesn't stop crying until she feels his hand on her back, rubbing up and down slowly as he shifts towards her. "You are good enough and you _can_ do this. I have no doubts about it. You are going to go to New York and you are going to be the star you always wanted to be. The one I've always known you would be."

She looks at him and is taken aback by how close he is. "Will," she says softly, her voice still broken.

"I'm still your biggest fan. That's never going to change," he whispers. His head is moving closer to hers.

She takes the next step, bridging the small space between them and resting her lips against his. The kiss is soft and gentle. She's trying to take it in as much as she can before he pulls away. But instead of doing that, his lips begin to move against hers.

When they part, their foreheads rest together. "This shouldn't be happening," Will tells her.

"I knew you still felt something," she says with a small smile.

"Rachel…" He's about to pull away and that scares her.

"Please, Will. I need this. I need you," she pleads.

He looks at her for a long moment and she doesn't know what he is going to do. She doesn't move or say anything, but she feels the tears falling from her eyes. She's upset and scared and afraid that she's messed everything up and she's never going to make it. She's going to leave Finn. She has to. It's what is best. And she wants Will. She's always wanted Will and even though she thinks this might not lead to anything, she knows that she will feel better if it happens. He's always had a way of making her feel like she is going to be okay and she wants that feeling back.

She starts to get nervous though. He's warring with himself. She can see it in his eyes. She also sees when he makes the decision, feeling his lips against hers a moment later.

She moans softly against his mouth as he deepens the kiss, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her to him. She straddles his lap, her skirt riding up in the movement, exposing her pink cotton panties. They've never done this before. As much as they've talked about how they feel, it never has been physical.

He pulls her close and she relaxes under his lips and touch. She's already feeling better, like she matters to someone. And she supposes she matters to him; otherwise, he wouldn't do this with her. He's not that kind of man. It starts off slow and sweet and she feels the tears in her eyes drying. They spend what seems like hours just kissing. Their lips move as one, their tongues tangle together passionately, both of them making small sounds of pleasure.

She unconsciously rubs against him, feeling him harden beneath her and she smiles against him lips. "I've wanted this for so long," she whispers. "I always knew it would feel this way."

"What way?" he asks as his finds the zipper on the back of her dress, lowering it.

"Perfect. I feel like I belong here with you. Like this is meant to be." She looks him in the eye and can see him start to second-guess this again.

"Rache—"

"I know," she says quickly. "I know that this might not become anything and that it is about tonight and everything going on and I appreciate that, but I also know that this is about feelings. I know you still love me and I still love you. And this above everything is about love." Her eyes are shining and her feelings are clear. His reflect the same love.

"I do love you. I never stopped." He pushes some hair back behind her ear and rests his hand on the side of her face.

"I love you too." She leans forward, kissing him deeply. He peels off her dress, separating from her lips briefly. Her hands move under his t-shirt and he groans as her fingernail rake lightly over his skin. She feels his muscles flutter and smiles against his lips.

That smile turns to a moan of pleasure as his fingers move under the thin cotton between her legs, two rubbing up and down her slit. She's very wet and his touch is making her more so. Her lips stop moving at the sensation of his fingers entering her, stroking her with long, even movements and his thumb circling her clit. It isn't long before she's moaning louder, he's speeding up his movements and she's feeling herself tighten around his fingers as she falls over the edge harder than she ever had before.

Her hands dig into his shoulders and she rests her forehead against his as she catches her breath. He kisses her nose, cheek and shoulder as she calms down.

Now allowing them to remain idle for long, she moves her hands to the hem of his shirt and pulls it off of him. It heats up again quickly when she unbuttons his pants. Will's lifting her before she realizes it and laying her on the couch. He removes her bra and panties and she gives him a sweet smile as his eyes rake over her body.

Reaching for his pants, Rachel removes them with his help. Her small hand encircles him, pumping him slowly as she leans up and kisses him again. She feels steady when their lips are together. Her insecurities and worries and fears seem to vanish with him. It doesn't when she's with Finn and she knows at this moment that she's making the right decision to end it. It's not good for her and really, in the long run, it won't be good for Finn. He deserves better and so does she.

She's taken out of her thoughts when Will's lips wrap around her nipple. She cries out at the feeling of his teeth and tongue. She's growing wetter again and when he starts to grind against her, she can't stop sounds escaping her.

"Will, please," she pleads quietly.

He lifts his head and looks up at her. "What do you need?" he asks with a low voice.

"I want you inside me," she tells him, looking at him through her lashes with dark eyes.

He smiles at her before kissing down her body. He runs his tongue along her center making her cry out before he trails kisses up and captures her lips with his. He guides himself inside her, both moaning at the connection. He stays still for a moment, just reveling in the feeling.

He starts thrusting inside her, as her legs wrap around his waist. "Will," she moans, as he moves. Rachel holds him close as their hips come together repeatedly. It's intimate but passionate and she's waited for this for so long. She was always sure that this was supposed to happen.

When Will starts moving faster, she can feel herself reaching the peak. Her eyes shut tightly and she can hear him: his breathing and moaning and the sounds of them together. It's her name on his lips that causes her to open her eyes, and it's the way he is looking down at her, his normally green eyes darker than she has ever seen them, that makes her fall over the edge once again. He follows her shortly after and she moans as she feels him release.

They stay connected for several moments as Will rests against her gently, his head buried in her neck. Catching their breaths, Rachel thinks about what she just experienced with him. Her hands rub slowly up and down her back. She wants more of this. She doesn't think it will happen though, not with him. He won't come to New York with her, as much as she still wants him to. She wants him there even more now but for different reasons. She doesn't think it's a need anymore, just a want. Being with him has given her some sort of confidence back. She's grateful for it.

After cuddling together on the couch for some time in silence, Rachel untangles herself from his arms and gathers her clothing. They get dressed together but not much is said.

"I should go," she says softly.

"You sure you don't want to spend the night?" he asks, and she knows that he means it. He wants her to stay but at the same time it's clear that he thinks it's best for her to leave.

"I have to go. I'm going to talk to Finn tonight. I need to tell him this is over and try to explain. I made so many mistakes. I should have said no when he asked." She still feels like she can talk to Will and she's glad that didn't go away. He's there watching her and listening, just as before. It's not awkward like she thought it could be.

"It will all be okay. Eventually, he'll understand," he tells her, confidently.

"Thank you, Will." She gives him a smile, looking at him with so much love. She knows by the look on his face the words that are about to come.

"Rachel, you understand that I can't do this, right? I love you, but I love Emma too. And when we're done with this break, I'm marrying her." He shakes his head and she can tell it's hurting him to say these things to her. "You don't need me. You're going to go off to New York and succeed there the way you did here. And I'll be in the front row your opening night on Broadway. … I am sorry this can't be more."

"Don't," she whispers. It hurts to hear but she knows he's right. She wishes they were somewhere else. She knows that they could have a chance in another place or time but not here, and maybe that's for the best. She reaches for his hand and squeezes it tightly. "Thank you … for giving me tonight, for loving me and believing in me. It means more to me than you can ever know." She pauses, letting out a shaky breath. "I wish you _every _happiness. You deserve nothing less," she tells him with tears in her eyes but a smile on her face.

He watches her carefully as she leans forward and kisses him on the cheek, lingering. She gives him one last look, memorizing the love that is in his eyes, before turning and leaving his apartment.

As she walks out of the building, she feels better than she has in weeks. She feels better about her decision with Finn and she feels more confident about New York. She can do this. She can be a star, and maybe one day she'll have the love she deserves as well.

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><p><strong>AN 2: **Right now, this is a standalone one-shot, but I wrote this with the intention of having it be the beginning to a multi-chapter story. That story will not be written for a long while, until after I have completed _An Enduring Fate_, but I would like to know if you are interested in having it be more. So please review and let me know what you think, and if you are interested in seeing where this could go!


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